FINER PRINT - TERMS OF SERVICE & LEGAL NOTICE

Pneumatic Dill

Pneumatic Dill

— 4 min read

Last Updated: Never (Time is a construct)
Legally Binding: Absolutely
Actually Read By: You're the first

SECTION 1: DEFINITIONS

  • "We," "Us," "Our": Refers to Finer Print, a definitely real journalistic enterprise that exists in a quantum superposition between satire and prophecy
  • "You," "User," "Reader": Refers to whoever's lawyer is reading this to build a case
  • "Content": Fictional works of satire that accidentally predict the future with 87% accuracy
  • "Reality": A deprecated concept we no longer support as of v2024.11.0

SECTION 2: NATURE OF SERVICE

Finer Print is a satirical publication engaged in the documentation of fictional events that haven't happened yet but probably will by the time you finish reading this sentence. We provide:

  1. Predictive Satire™ - Comedy written in advance of the horrible things that will make it true
  2. Quantum Journalism - Reporting that exists in superposition between joke and fact until observed by lawyers
  3. Schrödinger's News - Both fake and real until a corporation issues a denial that confirms it

By accessing this Site, you acknowledge that satire is a legally protected form of expression under the First Amendment, Article 10 of the European Convention on Human Rights, and the Universal Law of "It's Just a Prank, Bro."

SECTION 3: DISCLAIMER OF ACCURACY

WE MAKE NO CLAIMS TO FACTUAL ACCURACY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL CORPORATIONS, LIVING OR MORALLY DEAD, IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

In the event that our satire becomes true, we invoke the "Simpsons Did It First" doctrine of prophetic immunity. We cannot be held responsible for:

  • Companies actually implementing our satirical business models
  • CEOs quote-tweeting our articles with "great idea, let's discuss"
  • Reality's ongoing failure to remain distinguishable from parody
  • The collapse of the satire industry due to reality oversupply

SECTION 4: INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

All content is protected by copyright, copyleft, copy-up, copy-down, and copy-strange-quark.

You may reproduce our content only if:

  • You're a corporation's legal team (this proves it's effective satire)
  • You're teaching a class on "Late Capitalism's Terminal Phase"
  • You're from the future trying to understand how we knew

SECTION 5: LIABILITY LIMITATION

Finer Print shall not be liable for:

  1. Existential Damages - Including but not limited to: loss of faith in humanity, sudden awareness of systemic dysfunction, or the realization that everything is broken
  2. Temporal Paradoxes - If our satire causes the events it describes, creating a causality loop
  3. Poe's Law Violations - When readers cannot determine if we're joking (we're not sure either)
  4. Revolutionary Activities - Inspired by the growing awareness that none of this is okay

Maximum liability shall not exceed the amount you paid to access this site ($0.00) multiplied by the number of times you've said "this would be funny if it weren't true" (∞).

SECTION 6: USER OBLIGATIONS

By reading Finer Print, you agree to:

  • Not forward our articles to companies as "innovation proposals"
  • Maintain the fiction that there's a difference between our satire and tomorrow's news
  • Experience appropriate levels of horror disguised as laughter
  • Not be a narc

SECTION 7: DISPUTE RESOLUTION

All disputes shall be resolved through the following escalation process:

  1. Meditation - Both parties sit quietly and contemplate how we got here
  2. Mediation - A neutral third party explains the joke
  3. Arbitration - Via Polymarket betting odds on who would win in court
  4. Trial by Combat - Using only printed copies of our articles as weapons

Venue for any legal action shall be the Delaware Court of Chancery, because if it's good enough for corporate tax evasion, it's good enough for us.

SECTION 8: SEVERABILITY

If any provision of these Terms is found to be too real, the remaining provisions shall continue being satire. If reality continues to converge with our content, we reserve the right to pivot to writing optimistic fiction as that would be more unrealistic.

SECTION 9: SATIRE SAFE HARBOR

This publication is protected under:

  • The First Amendment (US)
  • Fair Dealing provisions (UK)
  • Article 5 of the German Basic Law
  • The ancient right of jesters to mock power
  • The newer right of anyone to point and laugh

We are engaged in criticism, comment, and news reporting (specifically, news that hasn't happened yet but will).

SECTION 10: REGULATORY COMPLIANCE

Finer Print complies with all applicable laws in the following manner:

  • GDPR: We don't track you because we assume corporations already are
  • COPPA: Our content is too depressing for children
  • CAN-SPAM: We're not spam, we're artisanal, hand-crafted despair
  • ADA: Our site is accessible to anyone who has lost faith in capitalism

SECTION 11: FORCE MAJEURE

We shall not be liable for failure to be funny due to:

  • Reality exceeding satirical capacity
  • Actual news being more absurd than anything we could invent
  • The heat death of irony
  • Acts of God (defined as "whatever Elon tweets next")

SECTION 12: CONTACT INFORMATION

Legal notices may be served to:

Finer Print Legal Department
C/O The Last Journalist With a Sense of Humor
The Bunker Under the Former Offices of The Onion
[COORDINATES REDACTED]

For faster service, complaints may be submitted via Venmo with memo "THIS ISN'T FUNNY"

SECTION 13: AMENDMENTS

We reserve the right to update these Terms whenever reality gets worse, which based on current trends means roughly every 6-8 hours. Changes are effective immediately upon posting or whenever a tech CEO says "we've learned from our mistakes."

SECTION 14: GOVERNING LAW

These Terms are governed by:

  • The laws of physics (while they last)
  • The law of diminishing returns (on humanity)
  • Murphy's Law (obviously)
  • The jurisdiction of whatever court has the best sense of humor

SECTION 15: FINAL PROVISIONS

THE LAWYERS MADE US ADD THIS PART:

This is satire. It's all satire. Even this disclaimer is satire. The fact that you can't tell anymore proves our point. Any resemblance to actual terms of service is because all terms of service are equally ridiculous.

By continuing to exist in late-stage capitalism, you agree to these Terms.

Finer Print® is a registered trademark in the sense that we typed the ® symbol

"When they go low, we read the finer print"™

ADDENDUM A: BIBLICAL CLAUSE

As per Revelations 13:17, no one may buy or sell without the mark of the beast. We interpret this to mean you must accept cookies.

ADDENDUM B: QUANTUM INDEMNITY

These Terms exist in all possible universes simultaneously. In universes where we are liable, we aren't that Finer Print.

ADDENDUM C: THE PETER THIEL PROVISION

If you're Peter Thiel, these Terms don't apply to you but only if you admit Gawker did nothing wrong.

© 2025 Finer Print. All rights reserved. No rights reserved. Some rights reserved. Rights reserved for those who can afford them.

End of Terms of Service. Beginning of Awareness.

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