UK Judge Held in Contempt of Own Court After 'Uncontrollable Laughter' During Nestlé v. Fine Print Hearing

Justice Pemberton removed from bench after telling Nestlé's lawyers "You realize you're making their point for them, right?"

LONDON—The Royal Courts of Justice witnessed unprecedented scenes Thursday as High Court Justice Sir Gerald Pemberton was forcibly removed from his own courtroom after what court reporters described as "complete judicial decomposition" during Nestlé's defamation suit against satirical publication Fine Print.

The incident occurred as Nestlé's lead counsel, Jonathan Whitmore KC, was required to read Fine Print's Terms of Service into the official record to establish jurisdiction.

"When he got to Section 3, where it defines corporations as 'living or morally dead,' His Lordship made a sort of snorting sound," said court stenographer Emily Davies. "By the time we reached 'Trial by combat using only printed copies of our articles as weapons,' he was using his wig to wipe his eyes."

The breaking point reportedly came during Whitmore's reading of Addendum C: The Peter Thiel Provision.

"If you're Peter Thiel, these Terms don't apply to you but only if you admit Gawker did nothing wrong," Whitmore read in increasingly strained tones as Justice Pemberton's shoulders began shaking.

"Mr. Whitmore," the judge interrupted, gasping for air, "are you—are you genuinely asking this court to rule that calling Nestlé a 'water monetization syndrome with a chocolate hobby' constitutes actionable defamation?"

When Whitmore confirmed this was indeed Nestlé's position, Justice Pemberton allegedly responded, "But that's just true!" before dissolving into what witnesses described as "concerning levels of judicial mirth."

Court transcripts show the following exchange:

WHITMORE KC: Your Lordship, this is a serious matter of corporate reputation—

JUSTICE PEMBERTON: [INAUDIBLE WHEEZING]

WHITMORE KC: The plaintiff has suffered material damages from these spurious allegations—

JUSTICE PEMBERTON: They said you exist in 'quantum superposition between joke and fact!' [GAVEL POUNDING RHYTHMICALLY] That's brilliant! That's absolutely brilliant!

COURT OFFICER: Your Lordship, perhaps a recess—

JUSTICE PEMBERTON: [STANDING ON BENCH] They defined Force Majeure as 'whatever Elon tweets next!' This is better than law! This IS law!

The Lord Chief Justice's office issued an emergency ruling holding Justice Pemberton in contempt of Court Procedure 5.4(b): "Maintaining the gravity befitting Her Majesty's Courts."

"I regret nothing," Justice Pemberton said while being escorted out. "Those Terms of Service belong in a museum. Or Parliament. Actually, they make more sense than Parliament."

Nestlé's spokesperson, Margaret Hamilton, expressed disappointment: "This is precisely the kind of unserious response that forced us to sue a satire site for pointing out things we actually do. We mean, for defamation. For defamation."

Fine Print's legal team, which consists of "whoever has the funniest Twitter account that day," released a single statement: "We'd like to thank Justice Pemberton for his service and inform Nestlé that this entire legal proceeding will appear in next week's article."

The case has been reassigned to Justice Margaret Thornfield, who has reportedly begun practicing "judicial breathing exercises" in preparation.

At press time, three more judges had recused themselves after reading Fine Print's countersuit, which argues that reality itself has defamed their satire by becoming indistinguishable from it.

UPDATE: Nestlé's legal team has filed an additional complaint arguing that this article about their lawsuit constitutes "meta-defamation." Fine Print has responded by announcing an article about the complaint about the article about the lawsuit, titled "Nestlé Discovers Recursion, Sues It."

UPDATE 2: Justice Pemberton's contempt charge was dropped after the Crown Prosecution Service determined that "genuine human joy in a courtroom" was not technically illegal, just "highly unusual and somewhat disturbing."

Fine Print's Terms of Service are available for dramatic readings at corporate litigation hearings worldwide. Musical adaptation rights pending.